River Shoes by quanderlust
June 7, 2008, 3:07 am
Filed under: Misc.

They found me floating in the Potomac today. I was still wearing my shoes but my face was swollen beyond recognition. It will take an entire week for my lips to deflate enough where I can tell them that I did it on purpose. People say there is no viable waterfront in D.C. They say that Old Town, Alexandria has all the action. Well I set out to be the waterfront, and I think I succeeded. I wanted to show those narrow-minded conservative elitists in Old Town that I didn’t need their water; that in fact their water was my water first. They float their boats on the afterbirth of my great ideas. Did I tell you that my father was a river man on the Potomac? Did I mention that he was forced to live in a tree on the banks of the river by the old power station north of Old Town? He lived on squirrels and diseased fish with only the beer that I occasionally brought in five gallon plastic buckets to slake his thirst. He eventually starting telling lies to cyclists about how he came to live by that river. I hated him, and I hated D.C. and I hated Virginia, so I decided to get in the water and teach everybody a lesson. They said it was the actress who played Wonder Woman that found me and notified some nearby fisherman, but that’s a lie. She was in on the plot, but got cold feet at the last minute. Fine. Her cold feet can never fill my dirty river shoes, and the next time I hit the water you won’t ever see or hear from me again.

Related: ‘Wonder Woman Actress Finds Body in Potomac River’


1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

I’m glad you’re writing for us now.

Comment by yesornodc

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: